Letting it End
by pinkperson
Summary: Laguna's thoughts after Ellone's confession and before making his decision. Set after "Eighteen Years".


Laguna sat on the bench near the shopping arcade in Esthar staring at nothing. His mind was in a daze. He had to leave the palace after his encounter with Ellone that had left him shaken and bewildered. He was still stunned and unable to fully process the fact that his niece was in love with him. He couldn't stop replaying the image of her looking at him with adoration...an intense level of it that had spooked him. She loved him. She was in love with the man who helped to raise her when she was just a child.

It was a cold night and thankfully there were very few people walking about. It was getting late and about the time when Esthar was silent and practically dead. Laguna was sitting in a shaded area, thankfully, so he was unlikely to be seen and recognized.

Laguna's grip on the bench tightened as he remembered what he'd said to Ellone about Raine. About how she was dead. And how he'd almost said the unspeakable. Something he'd tried so hard to never let slip to his precious Elle. The guilt he felt that tore him to shreds every time he was reminded of anything related to _her_.

Guilt was an understatement. Laguna blamed himself fully for her death. She'd died during childbirth which obviously would never have happened had he not slept with her. And to top it off he'd just left her without even waiting long enough to find out she was pregnant. And then she'd died nine months later while he was off being the village idiot he always was.

Laguna began to tremble as a gust of wind brushed his face, almost as though Raine was communicating with him at that moment. He lowered his head hating himself for thinking he even had the right to think about her. She was dead because of him. If he'd never met her she'd still be running that bar, her neighbors wouldn't have felt hatred towards him for having even crossed paths with her, and he wouldn't be haunted by her scolding eyes every time he pictured her in his head.

And now Ellone was in love with him.

Laguna chuckled at this incredulously. This was like some sort of joke or something. It had to be, right? Because how on Earth could she…

Laguna frowned as his mind began to wander, desperate to find an answer. Desperate for the source of this new problem in his bizarre life.

Had he done something to lead her on? Had he ever...had he ever looked at her in some way that made her think he thought of her like _that_? Had he ever...had he ever touched her in a way that made her…

Laguna cringed and then covered his face with his hands. God this was painful. He just couldn't get rid of the knot in his stomach that had tightened up from the moment that they'd parted from that kiss.

That kiss…

Laguna lowered his hands as he remembered the very moment it had happened. He remembered the way his heart had plummeted as she leaned forward and shut her eyes. He remembered how his heart had then thudded in his chest as their lips connected. He would have thought that his leg would have cramped up like hell in that moment, but shockingly it didn't. Instead, something in Laguna had made him actually kiss her back. For some reason, he didn't push Ellone away. He didn't even so much as lean backward. Instead he had shut his own eyes and deepened the kiss in return. He'd acted like he was okay with it.

Like he may have even _wanted_ it.

To be fair, he hadn't had anything remotely resembling sexual contact with a woman in the longest time. He would have been surprised if he was even capable of initiating a makeout at this point. It had to have just been the fact that, deep down, he was craving intimacy that had caused him to kiss her in return.

One of the reasons this situation made him cringe so hard was because he just couldn't get child Ellone out of his head when he thought about her. How could he forget that high pitched cutesy voice that he'd adored so much? The way that she would talk 'wike this'. He babytalked _with_ her for God's sake. And now she was a grown woman and this was just completely screwing with his aching head.

Not to mention the fact that every woman he was remotely attracted to had a tendency to die. He wasn't so sure if it was such a good idea to risk that anymore.

Because Laguna _did_ think Ellone was attractive.

He'd be blind not to. He'd noticed the sparkle in her beautiful eyes when she spoke to him. He liked the sound of her infectious laugh. The way that she would hug him...and he'd feel her breasts against him even though he'd try not to think about it. She smelled like the nicest of perfumes. And her kind smile always lit up a room.

Laguna leaned back and stared up at the starry sky feeling like he was about to fall apart at the seams. He felt like everything he ever knew about the world was being rewritten. Because the truth was he liked having Ellone as a niece. He liked being an uncle. Until he'd encountered Squall he had little experience with being anything resembling a dad and Ellone was the closest he'd gotten to that. It warmed his heart every time he thought back to when he'd carry her in his arms or on his shoulders. When he'd play with dolls with her. When they'd watch childish cartoons together. When she simply called him "Uncle Laguna". And now that was going to be taken away from him.

Because he felt something new now. Something that caused him great concern. Laguna furrowed his eyebrows and sat up straight on the bench. He felt his right thigh begin to tense which was always a bad sign. But for now he ignored it as he kept replaying that kiss in his head.

It had felt good. _Oh_ so good. He'd be lying if he said he didn't love it. To be that intimate with another person made him feel alive again even if only for a short while. To be honest, he was certain that he'd forgotten how to kiss, but Ellone had helped to guide him in just those few seconds. Like she was some sort of expert or something. Laguna briefly wondered how many boyfriends she'd had. Then he shook his head as he realized he was thinking too much.

But that _kiss…_And the way her hand had felt on his thigh. How he'd wanted it to go higher and higher…and how he felt a throbbing down below...

Laguna's face reddened in embarrassment as he was once again reminded that it was Ellone he was thinking about. _Ellone_.

But Ellone was in her twenties now. She wasn't a child anymore. It wasn't that weird to think about her like this right? And she wasn't exactly bad-looking either.

Oh God...Laguna thought as he once again covered his face. Now he was trying to come up with excuses.

He didn't feel that way about her. She was his niece, not a potential lover. Simple as that. And besides he'd been alone for such a long time that he felt pretty comfortable with it. He was doing perfectly fine on his own. He had Kiros and Ward to talk to when he felt lonely. And now he had Squall as well. And he'd have Ellone as well if she didn't harbor feelings for him. Which he totally didn't reciprocate. She was his niece. She was much too young for him anyway. Plus Squall would probably kick his ass if he got together with her. Or maybe even murder him.

Laguna thought back to times when he would play hide and seek with Ellone. He would hide behind a couch and when she'd creep up on him he'd jump out and scare her by yelling "boo!" She would scare easily, running away screaming. He thought back to when he'd tell Ellone bedtime stories and enact them by making up voices for the characters. He still remembered how Ellone would cuddle up with a teddy bear, smiling and laughing at the goofy voices he made. And it would melt his heart when she would run up to him crying whenever she was upset about something. It felt so good to have this little girl look up to him and depend on him as her rock...her support. Almost as though he actually _was_ her father.

And oh how Laguna wanted to be a father. It was something he had wanted to be ever since he became a young adult. He wanted to have a daughter or a son who he could watch grow up and accomplish things in life. He wanted to feel accomplished himself. Like he actually contributed something to the world by bringing this girl or boy into it.

And Ellone was the closest thing he had to that.

Carrying her on his shoulders was something he missed. He always looked forward to walking her to school. He even remembered brushing her hair. Making sure she brushed her teeth before bedtime or else she wouldn't get a goodnight kiss from Uncle Laguna.

She was his little girl. His baby.

And yet Laguna wanted so badly...so badly it hurt...to have her in his arms at that moment. To feel her breasts against his chest. To see her look at him with lust in her eyes. When she looked at him like that, it made him want to melt into a puddle of goo. It felt so good to feel loved like that. Instead of seeing him as a huge dork she was genuinely attracted to him. He could see it in her eyes. In the way that she said his name after they'd kissed.

Laguna felt an adrenaline rush as he stood up from the bench and began rubbing his hands together anxiously. It was as though everything had suddenly come together for him. What was he agonizing over anyway? What did any of it matter? He felt something he hadn't felt in so long and it was something that he knew that, deep down, he wanted. He wanted to be with someone. And not just anyone.

He wanted to be with someone he genuinely cared for. Who was always there for him. And who he would always be there for. He never wanted to let her down ever. He never wanted her to cry because of him. And yet he'd ordered her to leave his office just because he was in shock. He needed to see her and apologize to her. First thing in the morning. He had to tell her how he felt about her.

He wanted Ellone.

Feeling fueled by passion Laguna began walking back towards the palace. A couple of people who were walking by looked in his direction and he could feel their eyes boring into him. But he didn't care and he was used to stares anyway, being the president. He felt a smile spread across his face and his entire demeanor seemed to brighten. There was even a spring in his step as he walked up to the palace entrance. He was already anticipating the next day, the day when it would all come to an end. The day that he would say goodbye to his lonely lifestyle. Because he _was_ lonely. He really and truly was. As each day passed by he felt as though a new part of him would crumple up and die.

He was tired of looking at photos of Raine and wishing he could rewrite the past. He was tired of seeing the looks of pity in Kiros and Ward's eyes whenever he would refuse to go to parties. He was tired of sleeping in his cold bed at night with no one to put his arms around and hold close.

He was empty inside. The cheerful and optimistic guy that he once was had wilted and been replaced by someone who closed himself off from others, locking himself up in his palace doomed to be miserable.

But now that would come to an end.


End file.
